torek, 03. september 2013

WE LOVE UNTIL WE BLEED

We all have parents that we have. I believe that God choose us the parents he think we can handle. But somethimes we do wish we had some other parents. Well, at least I do. I mean my mom is great. She is sweet. But my dad, he is just horrible. So this is my dad story. I hope you wont think I am seeking for attention, because thats not my intention. Its just something that I dont talk about with no one. And I blog and share everything with you.

My dad has four kids. I am his oldest daughter and then he has another daughter (which is my real sister Ana) and he has two more - daughter and son (my half siblings Naja and Luka) and he has been living with Luka and Naja and not with us, because my parents are divorced. And he literally forgot to call me for my birthday. He called me for this last day of Summer vacations and he wanted to speak with Ana to tell her he loves her. And he didnt said anything to me. I mean I know I am older and that would be stupid, but I still seek for that. He never calls me for anything else just to get Ana or my mom on the phone. He say I have ugly shirts and pants the moment he sees me. I mean he said that skinny jeans are ugly and I look ugly. Who else on the planet hates skinny jeans? Thats insane. Anyway he lies to me a lot. Like literally anything he tells me is a complete lie. I caught him like millions of times, but I stoped bothering. He tells me to fuck off from his home. Because I visit him once in two weeks. But you know, its getting harder for me to go. I spend like five hours in two months there. I never wanna see him again. He makes me sad. I reported him and he lied to them, that I am making everything up. He said I was crazy. I am not crazy. He said thousant of times that he wish I was never his daughter. He once said that he loves me in front of a social workers. And I stupid as I am believed it. That was the happiest day of my entire life, untill he said to me the other day that I am stupid to believe it. And then he said he loves me again once and I can honetly say I dont believe it anymore. I can say that I WILL NEVER BELIEVE IT. Maybe one day he will love me the way every girl should be loved, but I am never going to forgive him. I will never wanna hang out with him. I could never love him as I did before. Its so much hate in me. So much. I was sure I was not able to love again, but that part of me can never ever be broken again now. I always thought that
IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE YOU SHOULD NEVER HURT THEM
 but somethimes people arent able to show love. And I know that my dad secretly loves me, but its so secretly it cant be seen. And I need to see it to believe it.

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