petek, 02. maj 2014

WHAT?!



I felt like I am missing something, I felt like I was missing life. But the honest fact is that I am going to be 18 in few days and  I have my life all sorted out. I have a crazy boy, crazy friend, crazy life we could say, but yet I felt like I was missing out. Before I was a life of every party, I was crazy, but now I am not anymore, I rather sit home and do a blog haha, yes its true. I felt like I wanted to be something I am not. Maybe I wanted to be a party girl, because you forget about stuff for some time, but I realised that in the morning I always woke up sober and back with my problems, probably bigger.

I had this regrets in life, this boy I always wanted to return to, as friends, but I realised that I dont really need him, I dont even want him anymore. I thought that he was the only one who was listening to me and who could save me. But I think that Jan is doing that job better than anyone. Somehow this feeling still wont go away, I am still not happy. I still seek for crazy stuff. Its probably the way I am, and everytime Jan tries to pull me away from it, I start to feel like he is just trying to pull me away from the real me. But then in the moment I realise that thats not real me. You see I am in between being a good and a bad girl. Sometime I wake up the way that even devil says ''shit, shes up'' and sometimes I am like today I am gonna be productive and I ran doing some lists about my plans. Its confusing. But its the way I am. Nobody can change me. I want to be at least happy with the way I am, but somehow I feel like Jan is keeping that away from me. But I know he means good. The best actually. If anything would happen to me again he would probably break down.

On the other note, I want to be the greatest actress. I want to travel the world. I mean if I could just move away, that would be cool. If I could forget the past here and move on the other side of earth, that would make my life worth everything. I would be happy. But instead I am stuck in a place I dont even belong. And I cant do anything about it. Jan said I need to wait. But another day here is slowly killing me. Its hard, because I always think for myself that IF YOU DONT LIKE IT SOMEWHERE, JUST MOVE. Its not that hard, as everyone is saying it is. Otherwise nobody would do it. I mean look at my best friend, she moved in Australia and shes is happier than here.  I think she is so brave. She is actually gonna do something for her. She is going to be great. And look at me I could still become actress when I will be 90, right? I want to do it now, because I know I can. I can be great. Just nobody would let me go, do crazy stuff. I mean everyone is keeping me here. I started to believe that I was a failure, that I cant do it. But I know that If i get that one chance, I can. I will show them. I am that kind of a person, I long for it so much.

Because being an actress here, in Slovenia isnt enough for me. I wanna be so much more, and they dont get it.

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