sreda, 09. september 2015

DON'T MAKE ME STAY HERE. PLEASE.

Today is a very special day, because we all reached 300 posts. This is kind of a big deal for me and I always celebrate it when I get 100 new posts. I remember when I reached 100 and 200, those were the days. But for these past few days, I was having a struggle. I wanted this 300th post to be special and I wanted to thank you for your support, because let's face the fact that I wouldn't be this determined without you. I had this idea of writing a big thank you post or maybe post pictures of this year or something to thank you, but I changed my mind.



I watched Revolutionary Road this morning and it was one of those movies that spoke to me and made me think a lot. And whenever I am this into a movie, I usually write about it here, so my boyfriend told me that he already knows this is going to be my 300th post, but I didn't want to write about this movie. And that is exactly why I will write about it, because letting my thoughts out, when I am most vulnerable and when I feel the darkest things, is he reason why I started this blog, so today I have to tell you a lot and we should really start.
"In the end we are all separate: our stories, no matter how similar, come to a fork and diverge. We are drawn to each other because of our similarities, but it is our differences we must learn to respect."

I SAW A WHOLE OTHER FUTURE. I CAN'T STOP SEEING IT. (spoilers)
Revolutionary Road starts with this couple April and Frank. April desires to be an actress and Frank really doesn't know what he wants to be, he just goes with the flow. They get married and have two kids. They have small marriage problems and they fight relatively a lot. Frank cheated on April, but that is not shown as a big deal. And then one day April gets the idea of moving to Paris, to start new, so Frank would be happy and find what he likes and she would work and provide for the family. They would be happier, April was determined. One night, when Frank came home, she told him about the idea and he was a little skeptical about it, but then he was really excited and he promised that they will go in September. They started preparing, but Frank somehow on the way got another job offer (it wasn't his dream offer, but it was better than this job) and April got pregnant. So Frank chickened out and said no. April was ready to get an abortion if that was a problem, she wanted to go so badly, but he always found a new reason and it was all a downfall from there. By making this decision for the whole family, Frank broke April. He couldn't understand what she felt, so they got in a massive fight and April just lost it. The next morning she prepared him scrambled eggs and had the most sweetest morning with him, he went to his new job so happy that they were finally okay, but then when he was leaving, she made an abortion and killed herself with it. It would be safe if she would have been pregnant less than 10 weeks, and she knew she would die, so she did it. She couldn't stand life anymore. She hated his husband and she went completely mad.


THE REASON.
The reason it spoke to me and made me really depressed, is because I kinda feel the same way as April. I feel like Jan is sometimes holding me away from my destiny. To really understand what I am talking about, you have to know the story. And I can only tell it from my prospective. I wanted to move away for as long as I wanted to be an actress. And I wanted to move away as soon as possible. This place made me so sad and I found a new meaning to life, when I imagined me being far from here. It was always my goal and I could see it so clearly. I saw a whole other future and I can't stop seeing it. But then I met Jan, he promised me to move away when we finish high school and he realized he can't keep his promise. He found so many obstacles, so he kept having this excuses and it kept breaking me down. So this year, when I had to sign up for University, I had a very bad break down, because I know I am not happy here and he wants me to stay this sad and keep me here, despite his promises. I wanted to study acting and go to auditions, maybe get a job as a waitress to pay for living there or something similar. I was ready to give everything away for my happiness. But he was not able to see it as I did. He keeps making me see it so dreamy, but I know that it is all just a lie. He wants to get time and I am not ready to spend another few years here for him to change his mind again. I see an amazing future with him, we are great together and there is no one like him for me, but I think that this problem could destroy what we have, because it makes me so unhappy. And if one person in a relationship is so unhappy, it can't make the other one happy.

WHAT IS IT ALL ABOUT?
What do I see in foreign country, that I don't see here, you ask? I see my future. It is as simple as that. I can't see myself being here, I am unhappy because I cant show what I can show to the world, because there is no opportunities here and I was designed to be an actress, I can't be anything else. I want to follow my path and I want to be in a country that are english speaking people. I want to make my life dream come true. I want to be happy. Imagine yourself being in the country that you are and all that you want is to go away, but you can't. It would slowly suffocate you and make you depressed, especially if you are as artsy-fartsy as myself. I am a deep soul, I feel everything so deeply and I have all figure out in my head. And being here and doing nothing feels like I can't breathe and someone keeps giving me air right before I would pass out. I can't stop. I am in this circle and I can't get out. I want to be with Jan, but I want to be happy as well. Jan makes me happy, but that is not enough, you have to be happy and make yourself happy to truly define you as happy. And I am not happy about life, I can't see the point. I don't blame Jan for not going away with me for my dreams, I only blame him to lead me on and then break his promise. When I met him it was so clear that he was the only one for me and kept telling me we will go away, he begged me to stay for him and wait until he makes high school and then he would take me wherever I want, but that day never came. I have my whole life ahead of me, you say? You are so young, you say? I don't feel so young. I am missing out. Acting is not just waiting for me to get old. My happiness does not just appear, when there is nothing to be happy about. If being crazy means living life as if it matters, then I don't mind being completely insane.


300
That was kinda depressing. I swore to not get down there and speak about my sad life, but I could not get pass this. I want to say it out loud, I want to write it down. I want the change, even if I can't get it. I can't just stand here and keep doing nothing, because I know that this is not where I am supposed to be. I don't want to be here.

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