četrtek, 03. marec 2016


People ask me what love feels like, because they just assume that if somebody knows, that would be me. Because I have been so happy and because it lasted so long, it is even funny that it ended. But when I tell them that I don't know anymore, they always treat me like I am going to break. Honestly, I say that I don't know, because I really haven't felt it for some time now and I really, really don't know. I don't even know what hate feels like, because I don't feel it anymore. And I don't want to think anymore about it, and I don't expect you to understand. Yet people throw me pity parties every time they ask. I see my ”friends” and all they ask me is how am I holding or if I need help. Why is it when I see my best friends, they never ask me, they just maybe throw that my ex is a slut out there and make me laugh, which I love!
Yesterday I was driving with my mom alone and I had a chance to tell her that I am fine, that I actually feel a lot better, that I might even like somebody else and that for the first time in months I feel happy. And she told me that she knows that already, which was kinda cool, because that means I am already a fun person to be around. If you know me, you know that I am hundred percent sarcastic person and I make jokes all the time with all the people I see. Two days ago we bought a new car and I made a sarcastic joke to a sells-man and he looked at me like I was a 5-year-old child and I was laughing so hard, because I was funny, I just think he didn't get it. But then my mom told me that I distance myself from others, when I am sad. 

And that is true. When I was sad I only told my friend Fila (because he really knows what to say to someone who is dealing with shit) and nobody else, I was crying and screaming and suffering all alone. And when it was the time to go out to the people, I was fine. I put on a lot of lipstick, because that is what makes me confident and I dressed in colors because that is a small detail that people notice about you and it says that you feel fine. And I never ever even showed regret or remorse to anyone. And that is who I become. But that doesn't mean that, that was the right thing to do, because I was never the person that needed help, but I felt all-alone. Which I think was the biggest mistake of my life. Wanting to be alone. And I am trying to tell this to someone who is dealing with the same situation right now and it feels like I am talking to a wall. I imagine I would react the same, but I could use my own advice.

Because in time you just start being happy again and you start to remember what you felt before you had your heart broken. Because that's what this is. A broken heart. Because it is the hardest thing in the world, getting over someone who wasn't taken from you, but decided to leave. But every song ends, is that the reason not to enjoy music? Because if you don't feel alone, it takes 1/2 of the time to feel better, so that’s why you need road trips. To think, not to push it away. Here is an exercise: do you feel better when you get a bad grade and you don't tell parents and they found out from your teacher or when you get a bad grade and you tell them and they tell you that it is okay, that that happens, you just need to fix that as soon as possible? Which is it going to be? 

When you start being yourself and you are happy, you feel stupid that you even pushed everybody away and you can't see that when you are sad, you just don't believe that. And you don't believe anyone, but just trust me on that one. Everybody needs somebody sometimes.

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