sreda, 08. junij 2016

AND YOU CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS

My heart is a mess and it makes no sense. Love ain't fair, so here I am, writing to make myself feel better, when in fact I can't feel better. Neither I should. If you hurt someone you like, it doesn't get easier with time. Like there is no such thing when you can like wait for the certain amount of time and everything feels okay again. It just doesn't work like that. When you hurt somebody, who you like, it changes you. You start to think about who are you really and what's fucking wrong with you. 

Surely, there are some stuff that are wrong with me, because everyone has their flaws, and I realise that I am not perfect, and my problem is that I can't commit to it. Not anymore. As soon as there is like a tiny flaw on someone, I am long gone. I get scared, here! I admit it. We make choices. No one else can live our lives for us. And we must confront and accept the consequences of our actions.

I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing.

In fact, I just got a little crazy. Right now I am in my bed with my phone in my hands, waiting to see that 'online' sign up there, not to text them, right, but to feel something. Maybe even to feel a little better. 

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." - Neil Gaiman 

We do what we do, because of who we are. If we did otherwise, we would not be ourselves. 


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