nedelja, 26. junij 2016

STANDING IN THE FLAMES

Most people have a rope that ties them to someone, and that rope can be short or it can be long. (Be long. Belong. Get it?) You don't know how long, though. It's not your choice.




I feel like people let me down constantly. They always promise how they will stay forever or how they will come back, because they love me so much and thats crazy, because not a single person is here by my side right now. Maybe it is me. It has to be me. There is no way that every single guy I met is broken. Maybe I am. Its the noise, I can't be quiet right now. I learned that I really like being on my own, I love being single. It means I can do whatever I want. In the last couple of months I met so many guys, and I had fun, but I am surely not into committing. Thats a lot of work and a lot of complications. I just feel like I am never going to be as happy as I was, and that bothers me. Yesterday I met the closest of a guy that can be to my soulmate. Literally. We are the same. Not in liking things only, we do the same stuff as well, but there was still something missing. It wasn't what I love, it wasn't who I love. Cass once said: ''You know what hurts the most about a broken heart? Not being able to remember how you felt before.''

The trouble with my generation is that we all think we're fucking geniuses. Making something isn't good enough for us, and neither is selling something, or teaching something, or even just doing something; we have to be something. That’s the thing with the ''youngsters'' these days, isn’t it? We watch too many happy endings. Everything has to be wrapped up, with a smile and a tear and a wave. Everyone has learned, found love, seen the error of their ways, discovered the joys of monogamy, or fatherhood, or filial duty, or life itself.

I don't know you. The only thing I know about you is, you're reading this. I don't know if your happy or not; I don't know whether you're young or not. I sort of hope you're young and sad. If you're old and happy, I can imagine that you'll smile to yourself when you hear me going - he broke my heart. You'll remember someone who broke your heart, and you'll think to yourself, Oh yes, i remember how that feels. But you can't. Oh you'll remember feeling sort of pleasantly sad. You might remember listening to music and eating chocolates in your room, or walking along the embankment on your own, wrapped up in a winter coat and feeling lonely and brave. But can you remember how with every mouthful of food it felt like you were biting into your own stomach? Can you remember the taste of red wine as it came back up and into the toilet bowl? Can you remember dreaming every night that you were still together, that he was talking to you gently and touching you, so that every morning when you woke up you had to go through it all over again? Once you stop pretending that everything's shitty and you can't wait to get out of it...then it gets more painful, not less. Telling yourself life is shit is like an anaesthetic and when you stop taking the Advil, then you really can tell how much it hurts, and where, and it's not that kind of pain does anyone a whole lot of good.

It just gets me so mad. People go on about the first time being important, but it's the second time that really matters. Or the second person, anyway. 


The greatest thing in life, my own opinion, is that sometimes people get us. And they write about it or say it, or make it in a movie or a song, so we can read it, see it, hear it and we learn that our feelings can be explained. That we do know how we feel. That we are not the only ones who feel that way. That keeps me up at night. Knowing that I am not the only person with deep thoughts and sad heart. 


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