sreda, 20. julij 2016

TO MY BIGGEST FAN

Hi!
I guess there is no point in introducing myself, because let's be real, you are called my 'biggest' fan for a reason. But I have to tell you some things, because I feel like I let you down recently. I like to think that I am good with words, but this is hard for me to say, because it is about my deepest insecurities and I don't talk about them at all, ever. Not even with you, and we are super close.

The first thing I wanted to say is that I love you, no matter if you are mad at me or if you are not. I know I let you down sometimes, but you are always, no matter what, there for me and I think that because of that, I am the person I am. I wouldn't be the same, me, without you. You made me the way I am and there are more than 6000 different languages in the world, but still no arrangements of words to describe how much I love you and I am thankful to have you.

I know I am a mess sometimes, I am not even gonna try to blame my ex or my dad or circumstances or destiny or stars for it, I am a mess because I am me. I know you expect me to be more adult than I am right now and I know you expect from me to be more responsible and that its the right time in my life to be, but for some insane reason, I am trying not to be. Don't get me wrong, I want to get a job, I want to take care of my health, and I think about it all the time - it's not like it's not on my radar. The problem is that I don't wanna hurt you, because I am the way I am, I really don't, I just can't help it. Getting a job, to me, is different than it is to you. Getting a car and license feels harder to me than it does to you. Maybe I am completely stuck. Maybe I am stupid, but I promise you, I am not lazy. This is not lazy. Some people have issues with being irresponsible in a way that they party all the time and do drugs, some people are irresponsible in a way that they feel fat, even if they aren't. We have all this labels written all over us, which don't define who we are, but they make our lives a little harder. All I really wanted to say is that I am sorry. I am sorry for not trying my best, because even you are sometimes trying harder for me. Not just you, my whole family. If I am ready to rather open up about it, than just do something about it, then you know it is serious haha. But I promise you, I am gonna do it, I really promise you that. It might not be the first opportunity, it might take a week, but I am gonna fix this. For me, but mostly for you, because you two guys deserve to get a better version of me.

I wish I was able to call you and tell you how I feel, but I am not much of a talker, I rather just type it down, because that is what I do, I don't say it, because I don't know how, I rather just write it. In my journal, on my blog, via text... Words get lost in the process, and this is forever. Thank you for being there for me, when I am my absolute worst. Thank you 100 times. I love you mom! I will always love you. Thanks for reading my blog like every day and thanks for being my number one fan haha. You are probably half of my views, damn haha. Please translate this to Miloš too, because I could not have ever imagined a better step dad in a billion of years, this is for him too!

I love you mommy!

I am just gonna leave this picture here, so you can see your second daughter is still alive:)
Photo cred: Anja Troha

4 komentarji: