sobota, 13. avgust 2016

I DIDN'T FOUND LOVE WHERE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE

I use you as a warning sign.

And I miss you more, than I thought I would and if I talk about you, I loose my mind. To really make you understand, why it is hard for me to be happy right now, you must first understand that I am not one of those people, I don't show affections to other people, the phrase 'I love you' is not in my vocabulary anymore, I don't talk about how I feel, I don't tell what hurts me, or who hurt me. My mom always tells me that, when I was younger I was all affections, but it is hard to believe. In the last couple of months (like 9) me and my sister Ana got really freakishly close, and we barely fight, the only time we fight is when I don't want to hug her, or say 'I love you too' back and things like that. And the most logical and simple answer to the question 'Why are you like this?' is just: I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to break my promises.

So, if you talk to me, you wouldn't really be able to tell if I am sad or happy. But I am always happy. I make it my mission to not let irrelevant people ruin me or my day. So, I figure that not being what everyone else is, is a perfect reason for me to become an actress. That was off topic. Anyway, you do know that song, that everybody was listening to some time ago. Amber Run - I found. Yeah, well I am completely opposite from that song. People find love where it wasn't supposed to be, and I didn't find love where it was supposed to be. How sad did this sound? So, depressing. Anyway, I don't have that give and take thing figured out it my head. I spent 20 years of my life, trying to make somebody love me, for me, because I somehow thought that I deserve that and I somehow thought that if I don't make them love me, they will never love me.

But at this point, I only use you as a warning sign. Do you know what is it like to fail to make somebody proud who was supposed to love you more than life itself? I remember when I was around 14 years old and I tried to find a perfect answer for why I wanted to become an actress and the only answer was to prove you wrong, because you always say that I can't do it. How fucking stupid is that? And I realised that I am slowly turning into you. I realised that I am doing the exact thing, I don't love people, I don't fall for beautiful things and places, because I fear love. Because I was never enough for you. But I am good enough, you are just so stupid to see it. You are too stupid to not take time for me and you are too stupid to not love me. Here it is - a sentence I was most afraid of, YOU DON'T LOVE ME. But I said to myself yesterday, E, don't blog today, don't talk to anybody, just take a time off, you will feel better about it, but honestly I don't.

So the deal from now on is, I will never ever try to make you see me the way I am, I won't love you back, I won't try for you and I won't be there for you when you need me. Because you only need me when you try to use me. And you suck. I will spend my time and energy for people who actually deserve it, and I will make it my mission to not suppress my feelings for everybody. Not that I have feelings for somebody. Or do I? I don't. Or do I? haha I will stop.

OMG: I just wrote 'After 20 years of pretending to love me, answer this: How old am I?' Fuck logic today for me haha. That must be the dumbest thing I wrote in my life haha, and I just wanted to tell you that, because I don't want to end this very dark and sad. I want it to sound like a good thing.

I will finally be free, probably even happy and be what I am destined to be. 

Talk some sense to me.

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