sobota, 01. oktober 2016

THE 'no problem' GIRL

In the last year I became the most chill person you could imagine. It wasn't scars or what happened to me in November, it is all just a big idea on how to live your life to the fullest. Achieving that, I had to go through phases like: learning to let certain people and things go, not being the stubborn little girlie, like you all know I am and always forgiving where there is worth forgiving, asap.

And I really wanted to take time and speak about what being the 'no problem' girl really is like. If there is a problem, I just don't see the point in being mad at someone for not being the way you imagined. If I give you an example; you expect a person would do something like, tell you something important and when they don't, you feel a bit empty and just not good. And here is what I do now, I will say - no problem. Nothing more. Expecting people to be perfect and to always do the right thing, will sooner or later hurt you. There are of course things that you should never let people do to you and just not say that you're good with it.

Never let people treat you bad. Be like me and just delete them from your life. If they don't think that you are enough, why would you even waste your time proving them wrong? Just say fuck it and find people who will go an extra mile for you. 

Quiet is difficult for me right now, the only way I can actually breathe is just to fill my life with the noise. That sounds so dramatic and maybe it is, but being me and living with the things I live now, just made me the person to do bad things and to surround myself with bad people and just loud things that can stop making me feel like it is all quiet. So, being the no-problem-girl sometimes means I have to really work hard in my head to be okay with the fact that people treat me okay. And all this things like opening up, being girly and especially trusting someone.

It takes a lot of courage and a lot of time and a lot of heart breaks for me to just say how I feel and there is 80% chance that I won't show you any emotions if you hurt me. Because it took me such a great deal to do those things for someone and if you let me down on that, you are, sooner or later, out. Gosh, I sound like a proper girl right now hah.

I am constantly torn between being good and loving great people and just going for the old, bad habits. I know what you are thinking... It is not that hard to do the right thing - well, it is to me. Because if I am hurt I think about how I can mess something up to show people they don't know me at all and just give them a reason to piss off. 

Man, I swear to god, it is not as hard to understand as it is to say, but long story short, if you are a great guy, but you don't meet my expectations, there are only small amounts of my ”no problems” before I shut you out and before I make something stupid to prove you that you don't know me at all, and you never will. And whenever I do something stupid, I normally want people to stay, but I act like I don't, because how can you expect that someone would stay if you hurt them back? It is funny, but if you treat me bad, I always come back. There is a great line from a book called The Perks of Being a Wallflower: we expect the love we think we deserve. And sometimes my bars are set to just the 'hurt me and leave me' and maybe it is because I never really thought that I deserve to be loved, I don't know. And I do want to change that, I do. So, maybe by saying it out loud first will do something and make me change a little. 
You are not Fiona (from Shameless) or Lenny (from The Royals) or Effy (from Skins) or whoever, you are you. And if you meet someone who is cool and great and makes you feel like life is worth it, then maybe you should let them love you, even if its hard. But everyone deserves to be happy and loved. You are not an exception. HAHA, I just read on weheartit: everyone deserves a nice man, who thinks you're dope and texts you back. Who thinks you're funny and buys you tacos. Word! Just accept the fact that you don't need negativity and you don't have to get heart broken. 

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