petek, 11. november 2016

WHAT WAS IT LIKE TO LEAVE ME?

I won't be like you.


There is nothing to say. When I look at you, all the words loose meaning. When you hurt me, all the emotions went somewhere deep inside my body, I say nothing, but I am dying inside.

Twice a year you come to pick us, but I hate every hello, because with you hello always means goodbye. And I don't understand, and I hate to ask but what was it like to leave me?

After realisations like this one, I stop and think. Was is always me? Was I the reason all the bad things happened to me? Is it because I am your daughter? Because you are what you create. That would explain a whole lotta things. I won't be like you! I will fight and I will kick and scream, but I would rather die than not try and stop this genes. When I do stupid things, I see you in me and it scares me to death. When I do bad things, he looks at me the same way like I look at you. I won't be like you! Can you stop this? Can you just stop being something you were born to be?

It always ends too soon. Its all your fault. The fact that I don't let anyone in, not really, is your fault. You just left. And now I am doing the exact same thing to this one guy, who means the world to me. You didn't say goodbye, you didn't give me a reason, you just did the easy thing. You can't stop DNA.  I have too much you inside me, to do better. There are situations when I do the right thing, but as soon as things get out of control, I panic and I do what I always do. I leave. I would rather break myself than admit to others that I love them.

I hate to see you as a monster, but you ruined me. So hard, I tried so hard, to puzzle myself back together, and then you came and ruin everything for me again. And again. And you want to do it again. There is no way, I'll ever let you back in, no way I will every let you brake me again. I am just so scared. I won't be like you! I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to be miserable. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing. Sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind. Maybe this is November talking, but I am just so tired.

All this moving away and the fact that I am still not sure about my University and my dad and the not talking brings out the worst in me. Maybe I need a break. Maybe I don't, I am just asking you to understand, that this is a stressful time for me. Knowing myself, there are two options: that I will either blog like crazy or not blog at all. But you can follow my life on instagram (@epremk). I hope you understand. But, I don't know how to do this, I don't know how to be this person.

I am surrounding myself with friends and family right now and I am being productive and planing big exciting projects for you guys, so I think I will be just fine.

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