petek, 05. maj 2017

I LOVED AND I LOVED

petek, 05. maj 2017

I LOVED AND I LOVED

Only love is all maroon.

The key thing to blogging, in my opinion, is to write because you want to write, because it makes YOU happy. And then you, slowly and in between the lines, do it for people that read your silly thoughts, you do it for friends and for memories. But really quickly you forget why there is such thing as blogging. It is for YOU. Just count how many times I already used the word 'YOU'. We are clear right? Its you. Well, in this case me. Thats why I have been struggling so much, because I don't post a lot of content here anymore, but in reality I write all the time. The fear of not writing what viewers like to read kicks in a lot. And I know many fellow bloggers who experience the same issue.

If you are not happy, don't blog. If you don't have anything good or great to say, then better to stay quiet. 

But I want to write something that means something to someone. And I don't care if its about a heartbreak, or a lovely romantic story (to contrast it). It could be so many things and I know that I love to write about adventures and road trips and photography and my dog and my dog gang. Thats all I want to write about. And sometimes I want to write about feelings and emotions. All those things. If you remember how I really started with my blogging content - it was ALL emotions. It was my opinion on heart breaks (because at that time I didn't even know how that feels) and it was my take on family and dying and it was just a bunch of guessing how it all feels. Because that is all me.

I was a very strange kid, because I grew up on a farm and a restaurant and there were no kids to play with regularly. There were always kids, don't get me wrong, but living in a restaurant meant that those kids would eventually have to leave and they normally wouldn't come back. So, I spent most of the time just stuck with me. And my animals. Because you know, it was also a farm. Thats why animals have a special place in my heart, thats why I love dogs, and want to own as many animals as possible. But I was always keen on interactions that I never knew about. I used to sell animals in jars (when I was really little, like 4 or 5). I would chase ants and grasshoppers and I would put them in jars and sell them to people who visited our restaurant. Don't worry, people bought those because they felt sorry for those animals and let them loose and they thought I was adorable. And for my birthday I would always have the same wishes: A DOG, new leash for my stuffed dogs, terrarium and probably another stuffed dog.

So, if there were only animals, I didn't have much knowledge of other things. I knew how to take care of ill kitties and lost deer and how to walk bunnies (yes, I walked my bunny), but I had no idea why mom and dad were fighting. I didn't know why. I realised it was happening, but I just wanted to know WHY. And when I turned around 12, I searched for heartbreaks. And there was a bunch of TV series and movies that showed a lot of different reasons why, but because they were all different, that meant that there was no one real definition. So, without one real definition, that meant I will never get to understand why people fall out of love, why they stop trying or why they hurt others. And it was the same for other things. I couldn't understand the point of dying or loving someone. Those are all undefined definitions.

And it was all building up to the day when the most unpredictable thing happened to me. Because I experienced what I always saw on TV or read in books. Then the process of dealing with a breakup started and I suddenly figured it out. You can't explain those things for a reason. There is not a study definition for a reason. Its not about that person who break up with us and its not about that person who falls in love with us or who treat us good or bad... Its about us. We have a saying in what will happen to us when others treat us certain way. So, if you want to grief and be sad, that is your right, and if you don't want to feel anything, thats your right too.

Experiencing something as big as love or a heartbreak does not depend on how you SHOULD feel, but on how it feels like. And being judged for how you feel is horrible. Recently I saw a TV show called 13 Reasons Why. The word out there was just like: ''it's a must see, you have to see it, everyone saw it already, it's amazing!!!''. Let me tell you my opinion, since I watched it. I definitely dont suggest everyone to watch it simply because if you are not in a good place, it will bring you down. Its even restricted, so only people who are older than 18 can really see it (legally anyway), but there are mostly teenagers, who are super obsessed with it. And there is such a thing as being drawn to suicide when you see it on TV. A lot of people get inspired with that kind of things, sadly. I mean it is amazing story, is so good and I could not stop watching it, it was brilliant. But somehow this bad vibe is following me ever since I stopped watching it - probably because I relate to one thing that reminded me of what happened to me. I am sure we can all relate to some things from that series. I am not really sad, but it made me reconsider everything I used to consider right or fine. Surely I accept the fact that this is only my own opinion & that you can have your own, super mega contrasting one, but I needed to say that, because I can't stop thinking about it, and what I deserve and what I don't. But mostly who.

I have a bad reputation, all sorts of different kinds of bad reputations. 


sorry for posting this one day later, yesterday I fell asleep.

goodbye.
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