sreda, 11. oktober 2017


Tomorrow is world arthritis day, witch means I get to celebrate another day in my life. I remember what my doctor said when he first told me I suffer from a rare arthritis condition. He said: "The important thing is to be positive about this whole situation and maybe join some group of people who suffer from something similar." That sounds a lot like "HEY, YOU ARE DYING, BUT BE POSITIVE!:)" to me, but I am not dying, neither will die faster or live a horrible life.

Just earlier today I read that arthritis is the third worst pain human can experience. Don't really know if that is true or not, but I read it just today. So, if we look at it that way, I experience third worst pain every single day. That makes me really tough in my opinion. I think that since I got diagnosed I started doing this exercises where I convince myself that pain is in my mind (yes, that is Inception reference) and I feel kinda better, because I believe it so much. And another positive thing about my illness is that if I hurt myself because I am clumsy, pain doesn't even get to me, because I am used to it. 

But living in my skin is different each day. There are even days when I don't feel extreme pain at all (maybe once a month or twice, depends on a weather and stress level and what I eat) but in the last year I have been bad. Really bad. I had to take these horrible pills to treat it and I lost almost half of my hair and I felt sick most of the time, and then I had to take three other pills with it, just to feel a little better. I didn't feel good at all. So I simply stopped taking them. By stopping taking my pills I am dealing with everyday pain. That means my ankles are swollen ALL THE TIME now, I can't move two of my fingers on my left hand and my fingers are two times the size of my normal fingers, but the worst thing about it is my back and neck pain. Sometimes I can't even fall asleep because it hurts so bad. Just a few days ago I could not even turn my neck to the left because I get this pain and I just can't do it.

I imagine that living with someone like me is not easy, because sometimes I can't even open a jar anymore, some days I can't walk or use my hands. Somedays I feel like I am an old human and this scares me. It scares me that I am going to end up with crooked fingers and back. Those things scare me to hell, because even if I do eat by my diet it still hurts. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that I am who I am, I could have something worse, but I wanted to share that, just because tomorrow I am celebrating like hell. Tomorrow I am living like there is no tomorrow, if I can walk ;) hihi, bad joke. Not appropriate. But I wanted to share my story, because sometimes I feel so hopeless, not all the time. Just on bad days, like this one. But I am going to be just good. Like I always am.

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