sobota, 06. januar 2018

Everything BLACK

How do you see yourself now and how do you see yourself in the future? Two really difficult and at the same time really important questions. Whoever tells you otherwise is a fool. Having a plan for the future is important, not because you have to follow this plan no matter what, plans change, but to live for a purpose.

Having kids is something I might just want after all, in a few years, in my future. With my hubby, being happy. That is exactly how I plan it to be. It will probably happen somehow differently, but you know, for now, this fits well. Actually I want to have like one kid, if I will be able to even have kids, but you know, the details right now are not important.

Doing something important is like number one thing I see for myself in the future. It is either going to be something that means something to someone of just something that changes everything. I haven't figure out what that is just yet, but I see it clear as day.

Being someones something. That sounds ridiculous, because I already am someones something. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend, schoolmate... I am actually something to quite a few people and pets. I want to be someones like everything. Half of a whole, best part of the day. I don't ask for much like all I want is someone who wants to hang out with me all the time, thinks I'm the best person in the world and and someone who wants only me. Being a wife doesn't sound bad at all, actually. 

I want to be me, I don't want to change drastically, I want to always keep that spark that keeps me going. For real, I want to always be the girl rooting for the person, who no one is rooting for, just cuz I always feel some kind of connection, I always want to stay the girl who wants to fix everything for everyone and who wants to talk about everything. Even if its bad. The girl, who is rooting for Kylo, when everyone is like ReyReyRey, the girl who watches How I Met Your Mother non stop, for 10th of time and never gets bored, the mother to the most brilliant pets, the pointless blogger, the truth teller, and a pusher for everyone who needs a little push. I love pushing Nejc to do that and this and I love it when others succeeds. I don't care if I change my mind about what clothes to wear, how to cut my hair, stop biting nails or if my taste in friends changes. I just want to keep being faithful to myself.

I am over that phase of proving everyone wrong, now I just want to prove myself that I can do whatever I want. Like Nejc told me about how he doesn't see money-paying future of me being an archaeologist and it hurt me for some time, but in reality I can. I can become whoever I want and be successful, because I am the girl, who gives 110% into my work. My dad said acting is stupid, but acting is really smart, it is a hard job, it is a fucking great job. And I want to live with on my own, with my boys, because that makes me happy. Happy. Get it?! The most important thing you can be - happy?

So many people are struggling, like for real struggling. And I say this to so many people and they don't understand, they just don't take me seriously, which pisses me off. But like I am so lucky to be me, I have such a great life and I don't suffer in any way, like I am on my own, dreaming, calculating, planning my future. But somehow, everything still seems so black.

Here is me pretending I have control over Death Star from Star Wars.

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