ponedeljek, 05. marec 2018

Tell me pretty lies, look me in the face, tell me that you love me

DISCLAIMER: Strong language and content.

Its like everything shifts in a moment, and you step out of your body, out of your life and you think FUCK. THIS. SHIT.

The first story I wanted to really talk about is denial. It is one of the biggest struggles I am dealing with in life. Sure, denial sounds not really dramatic, not really important, in fact it doesn't sound worth reading. But I promise you, it is one of the most important stories I carry around with me, and I really mean with ME. I don't tell this to random important people in my life, it took me just like a whole year and a half of dating Nejc to tell him, so I said FUCK THIS SHIT, let me be honest, let me fix myself a little, let me share this with the world.

One day a few years back I woke up in a hospital, I was severely drunk, drugged, frozen, bruised, depressed and broken. But I did wake up, which was a fucking miracle if you ask me. The first week in the hospital I had appointments with every sort of medical expert to make me go back to normal. And every single time I told them that I am okay. I had to do therapy for years after they released me from hospital, I mean not that I hated it, but I hated it haha. I don't even remember what we talked about but to me it was so unimportant and I hated being treated like I am not normal.

I went home and I pretended that it didn't happen to me, other than sleep deprivation and others treating me like I was fragile, my life was good again. I went to school, I studied like crazy, bonded with Thor, spend everyday with J and just be normal. People kept asking me what happened that night, rumors kept spreading about what happened, people were really jerks, but I didn't care I just kept on living and day by day I felt more heavy. To be completely honest after a while it got really dark, I gained some pretty trust issues and I could not go to parties, ever. I didn't trust anyone who was slightly drunk, hell, I didn't even trust my friends when they were slightly drunk. I started being pretty antisocial, and that is me, I am the most social person you will ever meet, but because of it I stopped enjoying people, I trusted just a few but still, you can totally live with that, not a big deal. I just always claimed I don't know about the whole situation, I just didn't want to talk about it because I couldn't admit it to myself about what really happened.

My point is, at first I felt fine for quite some time, but slowly my life turned upside down, major break up for me wasn't even the worst thing that happened to me. One day I woke up just realising. I knew, it was like I woke up from a dream and I remembered everything. Couldn't remember some things, but I realised that what I always hated of thinking was true. It hurt me badly. I know this might surprise you, but I went fully bad after it, I started going out, I started flirting with strangers, if you know what I mean, had some accidents, did a few mistakes. Until I met Nejc you could say I was a mess, and then when I realised that I can be really great with someone I completely calmed down, got my priorities straight, but there is one thing that I didn't share with you.

Speaking of the mistakes and accidents... Well, while I was at my worst, someone who was used to pretty close to me contacted me to talk about what happened on that night. If I would have to describe the feelings I felt, I'd say that I was shaking, I was full of adrenaline and I hated it but at the same time, I needed closure and I wanted to talk, at least give a slap or hug it out, just do something that will help us both move on. He was, he still is my weak spot, he can control me and my life to the point I would do the stupidest things and be fucking pleased about it. Long story short, he told me he still loves me and we can be together and be forever and blah blah blah, and I was freakishly all in. Trust me, if he wouldn't manipulate me at the time, I would never say yes, but there was a catch. He didn't tell me that he had a girlfriend at the time. No wait... Let me rephrase that. I asked him if he had someone and he said NO. And as snooping and FBI as I am I made him confess to me cuz something didn't feel right. He said he will break up with her and that I am the one, that he will only really love me forever and no one else. Just a bunch of gibberish that the stupid me believed. I gave him a week or two to let him do that, you know, drama-less. And then after two three weeks I sent him a text and he didn't reply. I even called him to ask about the situation, just to like really make sure he is okay. And he didn't answer. That is when it hit me. He manipulated me again just for the purpose to hurt me again. He just wanted to hurt me. He manipulated his girlfriend, if she is even real. And I let that happen - I never wanted this and after a consideration, I kinda felt bad for her, I wanted to write her a few times actually, but I was never sure if its my place to. He made me have this feeling again and then broke them to million pieces. As strong headed as I am, I completely shattered my feelings and that is how my life got into such a good place.

Last year he contacted me again via email, I am assuming he wanted to low key hide it from his girlfriend again that we are talking or it could be that I blocked his number on my phone, either of those things are possible. He actually wrote a single word to me and to translate it, it would be: "talk ?". Long story short, I threatened him haha because I am a smol angry bean and that was it. I just hate how much power he has over me, I hate it. I like to believe that I am someone, who can be better, but whenever he comes back, I am so full of energy and it completely messes with me. Could have something to do with all that first love crap that people always say. But probably it is the fact that I had been in such a strong denial mode that now when I am kind of accepting it as part of my becoming an adult experience, it gets to me. Especially because he is such a big part of that experience.

Denial. Hard thing to overcome. At least for me.

But if there is something to learn here: be careful who you trust, be careful who are your ''friends'', don't let boyfriends control you, don't settle for liars, do better, sometimes listening to your head instead of your heart could be a good idea. Sometimes. Share stories people.

It took some balls to write this, because it is really hard for me to trust and to open up, especially when talking about hard stuff. But it has been ages since I openly discussed what really is the truth. I love yall so much, thank you for reading and stay tuned, because there are some exciting people and stories coming up on this blog this March. See ya soon 😘

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