četrtek, 30. avgust 2018

If my boyfriend tells you I am the worst human being and you believe it...

četrtek, 30. avgust 2018

If my boyfriend tells you I am the worst human being and you believe it...

... I DON'T CARE, because if you take the time to get to know me you quickly realise I am cool.


I mean, I am not trying to brag but I saved and raised my own chicken when I was 12 and I never told my mom. I dare you to not adore me.
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sreda, 29. avgust 2018

They won't play what I feel on the radio.

sreda, 29. avgust 2018

They won't play what I feel on the radio.

I am not distant, I am not lonely and I don't ever regret being the way I am, because I have no intentions to be sorry for being me.


The thing about getting sick is that it changes you. Not necessarily in a bad way, but in a way that your friends are not used to. For me it was one day I was doing crazy things and hanging out with my best friends and the next it was hospitals and treatments, and bad news, and side effects and frustrations and some more bad news. A drastic change. So it was only normal that I changed somehow. 

But never, since the first day of getting this diagnosis, I even considered apologising to anybody for who I became. For what I say and do differently and for not fighting to keep friendships and having different priorities. Sometimes when things happen to you, you have to survive and just hope that friends will stick and be there for you. And when they don't... you know things aren't going well for you when you can't even tell people the simplest fact about your life, just because they will presume you're asking them to feel sorry for you. I guess it's why you feel so far from everyone, in the end; anything you can think of to tell them just ends up making them feel terrible.

The funny part is that you don't even think about ex-friends, you stop caring, because the survival instinct kicks in and you only think about yourself and how your family will accept this and how miserable life your husband is going to have because of you and you feel sorry for yourself and at the same time you try to stay brave. You have to get selfish to get better. But never in the whole process there is the scenario where I would feel the need to give my attention to other people, as horrible as it sounds.

And then magic happens. 

I watch a lot of House MD and I've seen the episode where there are 5 stages of grief and I kinda realised that was me af:
1. DENIAL & ISOLATION: for a long time I didn't even realised I was actually sick even after I got my diagnosis and the first treatment. And I lost most of my friends.
2. ANGER: I was the angriest, blaming my doctors, medications, my family, everyone. Just purely I felt so much anger and I couldn't stop blaming my friends for not sticking it was really bad and frustrating.
3. BARGAINING: Literally, I tried to make a deal with God or some higher power to take this away, and you should know that I am not religious person anymore. Made a lot of ''if only...'' sentences and I believed that I was to blame that this was happening to me.
4. DEPRESSION: I am not entirely sure if I am in this phase or over or even started being in it, because the whole process was depressing for me.
5. ACCEPTANCE. 

I started feeling better. 

For some reason, I feel better. Back in shape and leading almost normal life again. Everything is the same I still go to hospitals almost every week for something new, but I am physically and emotionally great and despite the pain, I almost don't feel it. Actually I subconsciously block it and pretend its not happening to me. It also helps that I live for my love for dogs. Can't express how excited I am to work with Orca. She also helped so much with being active 24/7. 

If you look at it like this, I am actually lucky to even be this sick. I got rid of all the fake people who had only benefits from hanging with me. I got super strong and I practically became a doctor, because I can tell you everything about everything. I met lovely people and Orca happened. I MOVED. Met the love of my life and realised that if he can stay with me after all this then he must be the one. Sometimes what you want and what you need are two completely different things and I know that now.
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petek, 10. avgust 2018

Moondkissed Orca ♥

petek, 10. avgust 2018

Moondkissed Orca ♥

The time has come, holla 'migos, I am back and more driven than ever. In the meantime when I was away, I got a puppy and I had to put all my energy and my existence to this dog because well, that is me and that is this dog. Life is good. Life is perfect. Actually, it couldn't be better. We are all so happy.



Here she is, my sweet little princess. The one creature I waited so long for and she is more perfect I ever imagined she would be.


This is Orca. She is a Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever and she is 2 months old and she was the green girl from the most stunning litter I have ever seen. She has 5 siblings and two amazing breeders that I will never be able to thank enough.


Clearly we have to start at the beginning, so let's start with the fact that I knew which puppy I wanted, because I waited for it to be born for more than a year, but it didn't turn out the way I wanted it. SO much unnecessary drama, SO much anger and SO much bullshit... not what a puppy owner ever wants to experience. The last minute we had to cancel a BC. The best decision of my life. At the time I didn't feel like that, I was down and angry with people who made this experience a living hell for me and you could say I was the definition of a wreck. I blocked a bunch of fake friends and went back to work because I wanted a puppy eventually and I wanted it to be my perfect puppy, not just because it is the first puppy I see.


If it was not meant to be it was not meant to be, but it was. Because the next day I talked to Orca's breeder just to let her know I loved her work, because I was impressed with what an amazing litter she had, nothing more. The next week we already scheduled a puppy visit. And that is how I met Orca and fell in love with her and decided I wanted THIS dog. We decided not to choose puppies, but let the breeder choose it for us, so we could get the perfect dog based on character, not looks. And somehow the breeder chose Orca for us, it was unbelievable, I remember I was shedding happy tears and jumping up and down. We went for another puppy visit and then it was time to count the days she was going to be, officialy, ours. I was restless, couldn't sleep and was... I believe the term is obsessively nesting.


She was the first one to go and I was so excited to get her. So now is the perfect time to tell you that life kicks you around sometimes, it is unpredictable but somehow in the end everything turns out to be okay. Orca is the smallest puppy from the litter, which makes her the most adorable; she was picked to carry green color, which is my favourite color; she has the biggest heart, but doesn't open up to everybody right away, same as me; she was born on a full moon and I love moon; she has been named after her mother Ora, and orcas are my favourite animals. So if you don't think it was meant to be, you are wrong. She is perfect.


For the first week, it was tough, because mommy and daddy (me&Nejc) didn't get any rest. We were so exhausted and after a week at being home 24/7 it was time to go to work. After work we would spend every minute with them and crate train her and just take her everywhere. Obviously she has flaws, but to me and Nejc she is a gem. Thor loves her, but sometimes he finds her annoying haha, because she can be to him. But other than that no dog in the world ever is better or more suitable for us (except for Thor). She is so fearless, so cute, brave and funny. Not to mention she is super playful and just crazy. In all together, we got lucky, because you can't blame this on anything else but faith and luck.


My family helps so much and I wouldn't be able to get Orca if it wasn't for them. But mostly Nejc, my rock. Btw, Orca is such a daddy's girl, it is insane. She is not just my dog, its our dog and I will never claim her as only my dog, because the way Nejc is with her and me, it would warm your heart. NEVER EVER DID I OR WILL I LOVE ANYONE HALF AS MUCH AS YOU AND THAT IS A PROMISE.
Also, the breeders, will never be able to thank them enough for everything they thought me, and for trusting me and just being the best people. Not enough words to describe how lucky we are that Orca had such an amazing people in her life already before us. It makes it all worth it.


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