sreda, 29. avgust 2018

They won't play what I feel on the radio.

I am not distant, I am not lonely and I don't ever regret being the way I am, because I have no intentions to be sorry for being me.


The thing about getting sick is that it changes you. Not necessarily in a bad way, but in a way that your friends are not used to. For me it was one day I was doing crazy things and hanging out with my best friends and the next it was hospitals and treatments, and bad news, and side effects and frustrations and some more bad news. A drastic change. So it was only normal that I changed somehow. 

But never, since the first day of getting this diagnosis, I even considered apologising to anybody for who I became. For what I say and do differently and for not fighting to keep friendships and having different priorities. Sometimes when things happen to you, you have to survive and just hope that friends will stick and be there for you. And when they don't... you know things aren't going well for you when you can't even tell people the simplest fact about your life, just because they will presume you're asking them to feel sorry for you. I guess it's why you feel so far from everyone, in the end; anything you can think of to tell them just ends up making them feel terrible.

The funny part is that you don't even think about ex-friends, you stop caring, because the survival instinct kicks in and you only think about yourself and how your family will accept this and how miserable life your husband is going to have because of you and you feel sorry for yourself and at the same time you try to stay brave. You have to get selfish to get better. But never in the whole process there is the scenario where I would feel the need to give my attention to other people, as horrible as it sounds.

And then magic happens. 

I watch a lot of House MD and I've seen the episode where there are 5 stages of grief and I kinda realised that was me af:
1. DENIAL & ISOLATION: for a long time I didn't even realised I was actually sick even after I got my diagnosis and the first treatment. And I lost most of my friends.
2. ANGER: I was the angriest, blaming my doctors, medications, my family, everyone. Just purely I felt so much anger and I couldn't stop blaming my friends for not sticking it was really bad and frustrating.
3. BARGAINING: Literally, I tried to make a deal with God or some higher power to take this away, and you should know that I am not religious person anymore. Made a lot of ''if only...'' sentences and I believed that I was to blame that this was happening to me.
4. DEPRESSION: I am not entirely sure if I am in this phase or over or even started being in it, because the whole process was depressing for me.
5. ACCEPTANCE. 

I started feeling better. 

For some reason, I feel better. Back in shape and leading almost normal life again. Everything is the same I still go to hospitals almost every week for something new, but I am physically and emotionally great and despite the pain, I almost don't feel it. Actually I subconsciously block it and pretend its not happening to me. It also helps that I live for my love for dogs. Can't express how excited I am to work with Orca. She also helped so much with being active 24/7. 

If you look at it like this, I am actually lucky to even be this sick. I got rid of all the fake people who had only benefits from hanging with me. I got super strong and I practically became a doctor, because I can tell you everything about everything. I met lovely people and Orca happened. I MOVED. Met the love of my life and realised that if he can stay with me after all this then he must be the one. Sometimes what you want and what you need are two completely different things and I know that now.

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