sobota, 22. september 2018

they mistook my kindness for weakness, i fucked up, i know that... but jesus

I believe that I spend approximately 30 minutes a day just staring at nothing and thinking about random things and feelings.

Lately I realised that I have a pattern - when I come home from work I think about problems that others are facing and I analyse every situation and put myself in other's shoes. Since forever I thought as of myself as a more emotional than others. Not in a crying and whining kinda way, but I feel more than others, I guess.

For example captive orcas shocked me so hardcore I was completely numb for a week straight before I started taking action and trying to help. I get super angry when I see injustice and I feel personally attacked. Justice is my number one priority (read that in Crazy Russian Hacker voice). And I am so stubborn that no one can convince me otherwise. I am very closed minded when it comes to topics of war, murder, dying, pollution, drugs, rape etc. No way I justify any of it and will fight anyone who will try to convince me otherwise.

The same goes for my human interactions. So many times I caught myself analysing why my friends or boyfriends did a certain thing. I am able to completely shut down my feelings if it will make more sense to understand why I am arguing in the first place. That is why I am also so forgiving and will always go beyond my feelings if I understand you.

And I could hate someone for 5-10 years and then with one simple explanation why they did what they did I would stop hating them and be forgiving. I don't know if that is how everyone deals with this things, but I am most certainly like that since forever. I could hate my dad for years and with a simple call and bunch of explanation I could be his perfect little girl again. I am just saying that I am easy target for manipulation. I am too rational and I feel too much. What a bloody great combo.

Are people born with it? Are you raised to be like that? How did I end up like that?

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